By “hate,” I mean, “any and every form.” For example, today, I listened (patiently, I might add — for those who know I struggle with this) to a friend badmouth another woman (whom she hardly knows) because the woman is “standoffish” while her husband is “so nice.” My friend sized this woman up immediately. She’s disappointed because she and others had heard such great things about this couple. Both of these people attend the same church (es). My response? “I never had that impression when I met her. She’s an introvert. Her husband is an extrovert.” To my friend’s credit, she listened to what I had to say, but I don’t know that it will make a difference.

I think my problem is that I have higher expectations of people who profess to be “religious.” And, when those same people say mean, insensitive things (hateful things), I’m at a loss. It’s a complete contradiction in my mind. I don’t expect perfection. I do expect that they, more than the common heathen (me), will think before they speak or act. So, I’m frustrated and disappointed every time it happens. 

For those who don’t know, at the wise, old age of thirteen, I chose to become Catholic. Atheists raised me: Two bleeding-heart, do-gooder liberals, whom I admire and respect more than anyone. (Check out, “My life in black and white: A book of experiences,” for more details.) They raised my brother and me to make our own decisions, and to take responsibility for those decisions. When I decided to become Catholic, they supported my choice. And, a few short years later, when I decided I could no longer be Catholic, they supported that choice. What happened? Contradictions. I don’t especially like them. If one professes a love for God, Jesus, etc., then it’s impossible, in my mind, to believe that one race is better than another, or one person is more worthy than another. I simply don’t get it. Maybe you do. If so, please explain it to me.

Peace,

KDM

A few days each week, I receive an inspirational quote from the office of His Holiness the Dalai Lama via Facebook. I really enjoy reading them and passing them along. The one included here, reminded me of several experiences I’ve had, beginning in college and throughout my years traveling as an employment & training consultant.

While I was in college, extra money wasn’t always readily available. I learned how to make a dollar stretch, but frequently felt “poor.” I recall attending some function at the student center where I engaged in a brief, but profound discussion with an older “student.” (I was actually never clear on his status. He was around a lot. I learned to play Chinese chess (not checkers) from him.) For some reason I mentioned that I was too poor to ___________ (don’t remember exactly what), and his response was “you don’t know what poor is.” I remembered being slightly offended by his abrupt and dismissive tone. After some thought, though, I realized a few things. First, perception is everything. Not necessarily everyone else’s perception of me, but my perception of me. Second, life experiences matter. From his vantage point, having experienced poverty in a way I never had, his definition of “poor” was quite different than mine. It didn’t make my definition invalid; It was simply different based on life experiences. 

Throughout my years traveling, I had the opportunity to meet and work with some truly amazing people. Some were “poor” and some believed they were “poor.” What is the difference? The difference is exactly what the Dalai Lama pointed out.

Let’s return to my experience with the “student” for a minute. What he was really telling me, that I didn’t quite get at the time, is that “poor” is a state of mind, as much, if not more than, a state of being. I’ve met countless numbers of “poor” people, and some had money.  I have a friend who believes she and her family are poor. Her children believe they are poor. She makes choices everyday that reinforce her perceived reality. She could have all the money in the world, and it wouldn’t be enough. It’s sad. It’s unfortunate. But, it’s her choice. And, I’ve met countless number of “poor” people who would never think to define themselves as “poor.” In fact, they’d be hurt and insulted if I tried to define their reality for them.

I’m not “poor.” I never will be.

Food for thought.

KDM

http://cozycouplesspeaks.cozycouplesmag.com/

There are many types of martial arts. Most people are aware of this. What I’m curious about, is the philosophy behind the arts. Many parents get their children involved so that they can learn respect and discipline. There are many other qualities taught and learned. Our focus is respect. 

How is it possible to be racist or prejudice against anyone if you respect all people? There are numerous definitions for respect. The bottom line is: regard for others. None of the definitions say, “regard for others unless __________ or except ________.” When an adult or child enters a dojo/dojang and the instructors are talking about respect, they are talking about everyone. You respect people inside and outside the dojo/dojang.  Budo (martial way) emphasizes that the “aim of karate [is] not about victory or defeat but about perfecting one’s character.” (source: http://www.blackbeltmag.com/category/daily/martial-arts-philosophy/?topicid=9329 ) There’s nothing mystical about bushido or budo. It’s a common sense code of being. In fact, it jives well with the Christian bible, the Koran, Wicca, Judaism, and many other religious perspectives. A key concept in all religions is respect.

I believe respecting others is one of the most important traits a person can learn. If you respect others, you think about them as much as you do yourself. Maybe more. You think before you act. And, if you must act in a way that may cause harm, you act with compassion. You don’t inflict more harm than is necessary to control the situation. Admittedly, I’m still learning this trait. Becoming a pacifist was a step in the right direction. Constantly working on patience is another. (This one is actually much more difficult!)

In the dojo/dojang, the people who get hurt, are usually hurt by new students with no training and a lot of enthusiasm, or sadly, by higher ranks who missed the bushido lesson on respect. They missed it because the head instructor didn’t insist upon it and/or their parents failed to reinforce it. Everyone entering the dojo/dojang is there to learn, including the instructors.

This brings me back to my initial questions. Whose responsibility is it to ensure that respect permeates the dojo/dojang so that there is no room for racism or prejudice? Afterall, the people operating the dojo/dojang are running a business. Can they afford to turn away “bad” students? What if it’s not the students who are “bad?” What if it’s the parents? Like any school, the teachers can’t control what the parents say or do … well, beyond letting them know that certain behaviors are unacceptable. But, what if it’s a combination of a lack of reinforcement from the head instructor and the parents that leads to the students not really learning respect?

I left the dojang feeling unsettled. Ultimately, I believe it’s my responsibility to teach my children. I expect other teachers to reinforce the bushido concept(s), but when they falter (and, everyone does once in a while) it’s my job to follow-up. The woman with whom I was speaking, had no idea that what she described actually spoke to something much larger, from my perspective. I think that some parents, students, and instructors forget that learning martial arts is a way of life, not simply another sport. Our children play sports, but they live budo.

“You learn to fight so that you don’t have to” is a true statement — about respect.

KDM

Following, is my short list of 2012 goals. Do they fit RUMBA criteria? Remember:

Reasonable

Understandable

Measurable

Believable

Achievable

I practiced yoga daily this year. I began with daily warm-up and used my OM Yoga book to practice and learn different asanas each day.

I practiced French 3-4x/week by utilizing a variety of tactics: reading, writing, foreign films, and the Mango language program. I sought out opportunities to practice speaking. I am able to read a MG level French book.

I completed the first draft of Coyote Wars: Radalov’s Vengeance and submitted it to a publisher/agent.

I completed a WIP grant application.

I participated in 2 writing contests/month for a total of 24 this year.

I learned 45 additional Hapkido techniques outside of class. I focused on 18 finger locks, 7 avoiding techniques, and 20 soft blocks (parries) from the BIG Hapkido book.

This list is not comprehensive, but it gives you an idea of exactly how I approach goal-setting. I have several short-term goals, and didn’t include goals for either of our other two businesses, though I have them. These goals are a combination of personal and professional (writing) goals because that is my focus this year. Throughout the year, things come up, and goals get added, but rarely deleted. And, the process of concretely identifying my goals took from before Christmas until today to complete. I’ll officially begin some of them tomorrow (yoga practice, Hapkido techniques — that might be tonight if I can get SLE on board!) I began some of them before the new year started.

So, how are you coming with your RUMBA goals? Be sure to share them with others. It’s always nice to have support and encouragement.  Oh, and accountability!

“Keep moving forward.”

KDM

For those of you who own a small business (writers, photographers, and artists included), and think spending money on marketing is a waste of your limited resources, check out PitchEngine. Here’s their link: http://www.pitchengine.com/Home/HowItWorks. This tool allows you to create a page that includes all of your content and story in a single location, and you’re able to connect it to social sites (Facebook/twitter). Check out the link to see how it works. It looks pretty user-friendly. If you try it, post your experience in the comments.

KDM

1. Unrealistic

2. Not specific

3. Unbelievable (to you, nevermind anybody else!)

4. Unmeasurable

5. Not understandable

This month, check out my article in Cozy Couples Magazine. It’s all about how I set and achieve my goals. Even though the article specifically discusses connecting with your road warrior, the tips are useful to anyone. Here’s the link: http://www.cozycouplesmag.com/roadwarrior.html

I allude to visualization in the article, but don’t really go into detail. Visualization is frequently utilized by athletes and therapists. Why? Because it works. Learning to use the technique positively is the key. Afterall, it’s pretty simple to visualize negative outcomes. There are numerous books available that teach visualization. Years ago, I used one by Shakti Gawain titled Creative Visualization.  Here’s her link: http://www.shaktigawain.com/. I also enjoyed one focused on athletes that called the technique “mental imagery.” Google that, too.

Once upon a time, in my former career, I created a seminar titled: ”Visualizing Visualization.” I taught participants the various techniques I learned and used with great success. All it really takes is practice. It’s not some mystical thing, but it does require a positive approach/attitude. Remember the Pygmalion Effect? Put simply, you get what you expect, positively or negatively. Here are a few movies that demonstrate the Pygmalion Effect:

My Fair Lady

Stand and Deliver

Lean on Me

A Knight’s Tale

There are many more, but these are some of my favorites. I believe it’s possible for a “[person] to change their stars” ( A Knight’s Tale). I believe in everyone’s capacity to achieve whatever they want in this life. I believe “[people] will rise to the level of expectation set” (Stand and Deliver).

It’s not just a matter of working hard, though that’s certainly part of the equation. In order to achieve your goals you have to be willing to see yourself in a different place/way/stage. You have to support your well-being through reading/learning (libraries are these amazing places with free stuff – language programs like Mango, books, workshops, computers …). You have to create a support network. You have to identify mentors/role models – even if you never meet someone, sh/e can be a mentor/role model, and you have to be willing to let go. Let go of the negative experiences. Let go of the negative people. “There is always a way out. Every move has a counter move. Breath. Find the position.” (Had to get another movie reference in there! This last one is from “Redbelt.”)

We all make excuses for not achieving, but the bottom line is, your success or failure, especially if you are fortunate enough to live in the United States, really depends you. It’s not always easy and it’s often quite scary. Some people are born into truly crappy circumstances, but you can change. That’s the one thing that is certain. The question is: Are you willing to sacrifice to win? And, if you are, what are you willing to sacrifice?

Surround yourself with positive people. If you can’t get away from the negative people, then limit your exposure by being too busy to be around them. If you’re a teen, get a job, volunteer, get involved in a sport or academics. That will keep you busy. Again, it’s not easy. Nothing worth having or getting really is.

Here’s another tip when dealing with chronically negative people: Tell them you’ll give them a few minutes to vent, but then they or you need to move the conversation along.  Remember, it’s time you’re never getting back. I’m a solutions-oriented person, so this works great for me. And, really, who needs more than five minutes to complain about anything?

This year, I resolve to “Keep moving forward,” just like last year, and the year before that. I’m in the process of clearly defining my goals for 2012. Once I do, I may post a few of them.  Until then, may your new year be all that you are willing to go after and achieve.

KDM

Renovo Aevum – New passage of time

Renovo Hora – New Season/Time

Renovo Tempastas – New Season

Renovo Vita – New life

You may notice that I left out the Latin word for year (annus). The reason should be obvious. So, all that remains is selecting the actual term used and the objectives of Renovo _________. For us, it’s all about goal setting since “Contemplatio” is about assessing the previous year’s accomplishments or shortfalls.

What say you? Vote for one, and help our family rename this holiday for us!

“Keep moving forward.”

KDM

Last month, I wrote my initial outline.  A few days ago, I refined it. Now I’m practicing everyday. Appropriate snippets, from my book, reinforce my points. My children pretend to be audience members. I time the presentation to ensure I don’t go too long. I have a “Plan B” to accommodate audience size. It’s fun! Sometimes, I miss training; Not enough to give up our businesses and my writing to work for someone else, but I do miss it.

Next week, when it’s all said and done, I’ll post an assessment of my approach. If you have suggestions about book readings/signings, or comments before next Wednesday, please post them. I’m great at adjusting “on the fly,” when I receive useful information.

KDM